Ah, Mr. Fluffy Toy Bear sitting on my face, I miss Durandal. “Durandal….”
That sounds like…, is it really…? “Durandal!”
Wait. That’s not Durandal. What the heck? Why’s there a stranger sitting in the corner of my room pretending to be Durandal? Why does he sound like Durandal? “Who are you?”
“Did you really forget who I am?” the strange man asked. He tried to do Durandal’s intimidating gaze, but failed miserably. I didn’t even feel it. Durandal’s tall! Buff! Handsome! This man is … well, he’s a bit pudgy, short, and it looks like his face had an unfortunate encounter with a grindstone. “You don’t remember me?”
“Eh…? You’re really Durandal?” I thought I would flying tackle Durandal after he woke up, but … I don’t really want to now. “What happened to your face?”
“Before anything else, can you please put some qi into mini-DalDal,” the false Durandal said. “For some reason, I can’t draw on yours. I’m withering.”
Hmm. Well, he knows mini-DalDal’s name, so I guess it can’t hurt. Let’s put some qi inside. Oh? The false Durandal’s growing! His abs are forming! His jaw is re-sharpening! Durandal’s really back! “Unrelenting Path of Slaughter: Flying Tackle!”
“You’re back! You’re really finally back! Do you know how long I waited for you?”
“How long?” the real Durandal asked and patted my head. Oh, I missed these. Do my tail too. “About three months?”
“Over two years!” Ah, did I smack him too hard? That was supposed to be a playful, flirty smack to the chest, but he flew into and cracked a wall. Oops. “I’m a divine warrior now!”
“Huh?” Durandal asked. His eyes widened. Stupefied Durandal’s the best! I bet that brought about a bigger reaction than if I told him the Godking came back to life. …Hey, isn’t that insulting myself?
Oh! And there’s Ilya; I should introduce the two. “Hey, Ilya, this is Dur—”
“Wait,” Durandal said and blocked my mouth. “Do you have a weapon? A spear perhaps?”
“Um, I have this pointy divine beast’s spinal cord. Will that work?” I took the bone I was saving for consumption out of my interspacial ring.
“Don’t give it to him!” Ilya shrieked. She turned around and ran, spells blazing around her feet.
“Wait here, I’ll be right back, Lucia,” Durandal said as he snatched the bone out of my hand and chased after Ilya. What was that about? Moments later, I heard Ilya’s shrieking and Durandal roaring, “Trying to bully me because I had no qi or weapons!? I’ll learn you! I’ll learn you real good!” followed by more of Ilya’s shrieks.
“Save me, Lucia!” Ilya shouted. Her voice made it seem like she was crying, but Durandal’s a nice person! He wouldn’t make a little girl cry. …That asshole, he totally would. Did something happen between them? Mm, well, Durandal told me to wait right here. Ah! I should introduce Durandal to Puppers too. I patted my socks, and they glowed with a white light. A few seconds later, a blur rushed into my socks from outside the room.
“Did you call?” Puppers asked with a sigh.
I’m your master; you should be happier to see me, gosh. “Yeah, c’mon out. Durandal’s awake!”
“Finally!” Puppers said as he sprang into existence. “I can finally be free from this torture! …Right? You don’t need me anymore because Durandal’s back, right? Please say yes.” His tail wagged back and forth while his eyes gleamed.
“Nope. Down, Puppers. Be a good boy and sit patiently.”
Puppers whimpered and sat on the ground beside me, looking like he lost all purpose in life. Ooh, Ilya brought me hot chocolate while I was sleeping too. She’s the best; maybe I should’ve helped her. Oh wells, I’m sure she’ll be fine. But Durandal’s really back! Everything is right in the world.
“Pervert…,” Puppers said under his breath, but I could still hear him anyways. I’m in a good mood though, so I won’t do anything bad to him. I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear that because I’m such a magnanimous person.
Right when I finished my hot chocolate, Durandal strode back into the room, holding Ilya by one of her legs. She was face down on the ground, looking like a dead deer. A streak of blood and tears marked the path the two had taken back into the room. Durandal unceremoniously tossed Ilya onto the bed. She bounced off and fell to the ground, but she didn’t make a sound. She wasn’t dead, right? That would be pretty bad, especially since Rogath is still out there.
“Durandal!” Ah, I missed saying his name so much. “Durandal, look. Durandal! It’s Puppers.”
“Puppers?” Durandal looked at Puppers, who lowered his head and looked to the side. “Gae Bulg…? Is that you?”
“No. I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Puppers said. “Must be someone similar.”
“It really is you, Gae,” Durandal said and blinked. “What happened to the old spearman? Why’s Lucia calling you Puppers?” Durandal looked at me with a strange expression on his face. Did I do well? Head pats? Please?
Puppers sighed. “The old man died of old age. I was passed down to Lan, one of the princes of the Ravenwood Empire. Lan decided to hunt Lucia and died in the process. So now I’m here.”
“…I see,” Durandal said. He patted my head and rubbed my ears. “She beat you, huh? Just like in the past, my master’s greater than yours.” Durandal smiled at me before looking around. “Where’s your weapon body?”
Puppers sighed, rolled over, and crawled under the bed.
“I made him into my socks!” I pointed at the cute little paw prints on my socks. “See?”
“You … turned Gae Bulg into a sock spirit?” Durandal asked. His face paled. “Then what that demon girl was saying—”
“Yes, Ilya. She said you disrespected the duke in front of the emperor of the demons. Was that true?”
“He deserved it! Bastard stole my divine beast corpse.”
“Divine beast corpse?” Durandal asked. His brow furrowed as he sat down, shoving Ilya’s unmoving body out of the way. “You sound like you have quite the story to tell.”
“Mm! I beat things up, drained their cores, cut off their penises, and met Ilya. Then I beat divine things up, cut off their penises, and sold them to perverts in the capital. I decided to visit Ilya’s home, then consumed all the divine beast cores and became a divine warrior. Then there was a party, and now you’re back! Praise me!”
“Wait!” Ilya shouted. So she wasn’t dead. “How come ‘met Ilya’ comes right after ‘cut off their penises’!? That doesn’t make any sense!”
“It makes sense chronologically.” Right? I didn’t miss anything at all in that story. Wow, maybe I should’ve been a bard.