FM Chapter 30

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Swimming Instructor

Do you think I will let you eat my tofu [2]? I think I should be the one eating your tofu.”

My fate was sure painful. I was surrounded by people with big mouths and many teeth. I looked into the mirror. Alas, I had indeed grown a sizable punching bag on my face. It was probably because I got angry too much, so at last, it had objectified onto my face. I didn’t know who had said, No matter how tired you become or how much suffering you go through, just pretend you’re an idiot. If it becomes harder and more dangerous, then pretend you’re stupid and shameless **. In Peking Uni, I had already acted as an idiot, but I didn’t think that I would really have to grow two cheeks too.

  • **Stupid and shameless literally translates to two cheeks, so that’s what she means by growing two cheeks. And by growing two cheeks, she’s referring to her bloated hives.

So it was like this that in the dorm, I repented of my sins, muddle headedly, when at last, a week late, I welcomed the day of my recovery.
For this reason, I rubbed myself all over in the public baths for a whole hour to get rid of all my bad luck. After I finished bathing, I felt that I had become quite a few pounds lighter.

I prepared to go to the school dining hall sauteing area to buy some dishes to celebrate. As for Julie, I wouldn’t be inviting her to eat with me. Who let her comfort me uneasily when she was really mocking me in the midst of many trials and tribulations? HMPH!

I put the dishes onto the table and began to gorge myself. I was feeling great, and my appetite was awesome!

Right when I was enjoying myself to the fullest, Fang Yuke came over, carrying his tray.

He carefully observed my face. Not sure, he asked: “You’re all right now?”

My mouth was bulging with food, and I could not speak, so I could only exert all my strength to nod.

Fang Yuke was still skeptical as he asked: “Where did the things on your body go?”

There were really too many things shoved into my mouth. I couldn’t swallow it even after a little while, so I could only raise my sleeve and pants to show him my skin.

Fang Yuke’s eyes brightened: “Zhou Lin Lin, you’re pretty dark.”

I finally swallowed the food: “Where am I dark? This is called being healthy. I’ve never seen any celebrities running out into the sunshine. Plus, I have to soak in the swimming pool for two more months. Obviously, it’s whitened [from the bleach].”

“……”

Fang Yuke laughed: “Even after turtles have soaked for 1000 years, they’re still dark.”

“Who are you calling a turtle? You wanna deride this old woman after seeing that she’s gotten better? Say something that makes this old woman happy.” I grabbed the chopsticks and banged them on the plates to urge him on.

“Your face is an oval face.”

I nodded my head, satisfied. This rascal was great at cooperating with people.

“But it’s only an inverted melon seed [1].” Fang Yuke said indifferently.

“You look like a celebrity.”

This time, I wasn’t excited anymore. I knew that he was going to pull in his deriding spirit. Even if I tried to stop him, I wouldn’t be able to.

“You look like Han Hong, that’s all.”

Everyone said that my life was not easy. I estimated that my inner mentality was more on guard than even 911 survivors. I covered my head and ate. I had experience with coming into contact with these kinds of people. At these times, I had to express how much I didn’t care, to make the other person think that I was dull. Otherwise, you would be like the small demon Tang Seng forced into suicide from Journey to the West, mutilating yourself, and becoming a waste.

Sure enough, Fang Yuke stopped. After a while, he stole a bite of food: “Do you still not know how to swim?”

F**K, he had changed into his mocking front. I shook my head: “I don’t know how to. Who can stay in the water without stretching out their necks like you, staying in the water like a turtle for a millennium?”
“Idiot, turtles don’t have to take a breath underwater. They can only hold their breath for a long time.” Fang Yuke lectured me on “Entering Scientific Knowledge” as well as “Animal Kingdom”.

Ignorance was frequently the most humiliating. I didn’t speak and could only silently curse this f**cking tortoise of a millennium, who was really f*cking good at conning people.

Fang Yuke didn’t mind, and continued to ask: “Then what do you plan to do?”

It was very difficult for me to have the mood to eat, so after we spoke about these types of depressing emotions, my appetite immediately dried up. I angrily said, “What’s to be done, what about coleslaw?**”

  • **She’s almost saying, Shut up, just eat.

Fang Yuke chewed a bite of more food and asked me carelessly: “Why don’t I teach you? Maybe your way isn’t right. After you find the right technique, you will know how to do it. This is just like learning how to ride a bike when one is little.”

I sighed: “The crucial point is that I never learned how to ride a bike……”

TLN: I knew she would say that xD

Fang Yuke was a failure at being an advisor, and he was also someone with an honest malicious tongue: “How can you be so stupid?”

I lifted my head towards the sky: “Thank you for your reminder. Otherwise, how would I be aware of my stupidity?”

But Fang Yuke was almost like he had hit the evil mark: “But I still want to experiment with how dumb you can really be. Tomorrow afternoon, I’ll teach you swimming.”

I shook my head and did not agree.

Fang Yuke got anxious: “I’m doing this out of good intentions, so don’t overthink it. I don’t have any other thoughts. If I really have other thoughts…..”

I looked at Fang Yuke’s intense reaction with some unexpectedness: “I know you don’t have any other meanings. Do you think I will let you eat my tofu [2]? I think I should be the one eating your tofu.”

Fang Yuke became greatly embarrassed: “I wasn’t pointing to this either…..then why won’t you let me teach you?”

“I didn’t say that I wouldn’t let you teach you. I didn’t even have time to thank you. I only said I couldn’t go tomorrow. My physiology semester hasn’t finished yet. After a few days, I’ll be available.”
Fang Yuke drew back the corners of his lips into a smile. His pitch black pupils emitted bright rays of light.

Over the weekend, I rushed to the swimming pool as if I were going on a date. Because of hives, last week, I had taken a break from the swimming classes. I had quite a bit of regret: My attire gradually widens to the point of no return, and I am so helpless that nothing can be learned.

TLN: The last line is a poem…so like the sorta rhyming-ness? XD If you guys have something better for the poem part, pls do comment 🙂 The “attire widens” part refers to how she can’t fit into her clothes anymore probably because she’s getting skinnier, and the 2nd part is obvious.

I asked Fang Yuke: “Why do you think that people have to learn breaststroke?”

Fang Yuke replied: “Because breaststroke can help you exercise and lose weight.”

I felt this answer could force me into soaking in the swimming pool for a while.

You motherf*cker! The water in the swimming pool was always so cold. I freezed until I shook uncontrollably, and we still hadn’t begun to swim before I started beating the return drum [3].

………

Fang Yuke asked: “Do you know how to float?”

I felt it was beneath my dignity to do so. Even though I didn’t know how to swim, hadn’t I got along well nicely? Could it be that even my floating had issues? I immediately said, “I will show you some floating now.”

I closed my air and entered the water, sticking out my butt, as I slowly let my two legs leave the ground. After floating for a few seconds I got up and watched him.

Fang Yuke crossed his hands and watched me: “Did you float?”

……

I could only reenact it all again.Fang Yuke expressionlessly said, “Basically, it would appear that there’s no difference between you and a floating corpse that has just been thrown into a river.”

Bah humbug…..

Fang Yuke grabbed my hand and directed me: “After a while I will take your hand and walk forwards. Make your body taut, and try to make your body feel parallel to the swimming pool surface. Remember, it’s parallel, not like Jackson’s moonwalking dance [4] that leans forwards 45 degrees.”

I held my breath again and entered the water, both of my hands fiercely clutching Fang Yuke’s hands to make my two legs leave the surface. After I felt a period of time had passed, I got up and asked him: “Is it okay now?”

Fang Yuke lifted his hands that had been pinched red by me out of the water, and laughed: “Do you plan to have give birth in the water? Even though you’re a little heavy, you have to imagine that your body is very light and graceful, almost weightless¬——”

I cut him off: “In what way was I heavy? Why do I have to imagine? I’m already weightless.”

“Right right right. Don’t they say women are made out of water? Just pretend like you’re returning to your home. Don’t be so afraid of water. Maybe you’re naturally a mermaid princess.”

This was about right. I submerged myself into the water and slowly relaxed, allowing Fang Yuke to lead me forwards slowly. Through my goggles, I saw Fang Yuke’s slender and perfectly straight legs walking backwards step by step. Julie had said that people with hair on their legs would have more requirements or needs. Hehe. Fang Yuke indeed—-

When I thought of this, I laughed loudly, but to my surprise, I drank some water instead, which choked me, not allowing me to come around for a while.

Fang Yuke lightly patted my back: “How did you choke after being so great before?”

I was too embararssed to tell him why.

After we had practiced for an hour, I could about pass the floating part of the test. But it was unfortunate that the test was on swimming, not floating. I sat by the pool and sighed: “Master is leading me to enter the Sect, so I can repair myself.”

Fang Yuke accompanied me and sat next to me: “Why don’t you have confidence in yourself? If you have no confidence in yourself then you have to have confidence towards your Master. Don’t worry. In the future, I will bring you here to practice every other day, to make sure you will pass the exam early.”

I cast a sidelong glance at him: “Practice every other day? Forget about it. I’m going to request menstrual period leave.” I couldn’t stand the training that would require high criterion and high amounts of time.

Fang Yuke laughed: “Are you peeing blood? No way.”

I felt Fang Yuke began to become vulgar when we were together. These shady and deriding words of “peeing blood” was really not fit to be spit out from between his lips. I boredly began to gossip: “Fang Yuke, why won’t you confess your love?” He hadn’t replied to the text I sent him last time. This person would definitely ruin efficiency at work in the future.”

Fang Yuke obviously didn’t want to participate in this conversation.
He said to me: “Let’s go practice in the water some more.”

I naturally determinedly said no. Training and gossip had no comparable qualities.

I smashed his pot and asked him to the end: “Wen Tao was very reasonable. Many things will create internal injuries if you stifle them. Morewover, I really can’t think of any reasons why you wouldn’t. The whole world knows that Ru Ting likes you. It’s only that you’re not brave enough. How can you be so bad?”

Fang Yuke said, “Because I’m afraid of failure. Maybe if I fail, she won’t want to see me again.”

Ahh this was the operation of a dwarf. I sighed: “If you don’t say it, then find a tree hole to practice to, and at least your heart can be happier.”

Fang Yuke shook his head and bitterly smiled: “Some words can’t even be said to a tree. I’m afraid if I say it, I’ll make myself into a scoundrel.”

“Love is really like a wall brick, it swats some and makes others stupid. Aren’t you pretty smart with that head? Why are you retarded when it comes to feelings?! If I like someone else, I will let him know. It’s a pity that I thought I met my Prince Charming, when the Prince said I went the wrong way because of the White Horse [5]. Really, he wasn’t there to find me. F**k, why is finding a prince so hard. In the future, if I like anyone else, I’ll oppress them early on. Who let them come so late?”

Fang Yuke lowered his head: “Whoever likes someone first will already have been oppressed. Why do you still have to blame the other person?”
I looked at him strangely: “Are you helping Wen Tao talk? You two are really interesting. When you meet you start fighting, but behind the other person’s back, you two help the other person speak. Are you two…..”

Fang Yuke pushed me into the water: “Continue practicing. Since you have time to think about these things, you obviously haven’t practiced enough.”


[1] Oval face: 瓜子脸. Literally means melon seed face. This is what a melon seed face looks like → here, so when he calls her face an inverted melon seed, it’s basically the other way around. Like…an inverted triangle sorta if you think of the model’s face as a triangle.

[2] Eat tofu: 吃豆腐. It literally means eat tofu, but figuratively it means, to take advantage of another person by like touching them too much or something.

[3] Beat the return drum 打退堂鼓. It means to give up on something or to surrender (in other terms) xD

[4] Refers to Michael Jackson.

[5] Prince Charming 白马王子. Literally means white horse prince (or prince on a white horse), so that’s where the White Horse comes from.


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