CE Chapter 1

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Chapter 1 Cursings on the toilet bowl

“MLGBD.”[1] Zhao Lingjun, who was sitting on the toilet bowl, couldn’t help but curse.

Through the toilet’s glass window, Zhao Lingjun saw that the asphalt on the road was emitting traces of heat; the air seemed so thick that the viscosity was comparable to melted chocolate. The sky unexpectedly didn’t even have a hint of wind blowing. Even the wutong trees[2] on both sides of the road were scorched to the point that their leaves were drooping without any signs of life.

The weather during June last year was still very cool, however this year’s weather was completely different. What wrong medicine did God take? It was only slightly past June, and the temperature was already rapidly rising. Take today as an example, it was even more ridiculous as the highest temperature reached 38 degrees Celsius. On the way back from work, Zhao Lingjun felt that he was almost baked dry by the scorching sun.

If this was the only issue, Zhao Lingjun would just let it go. However when he went home, he found out that his whole neighbourhood had a blackout; he didn’t know what had caused it.

Zhao Lingjun grabbed his phone, and after calling the complaint hotline numerous times, he finally couldn’t take it anymore and entered his stuffy enclosed apartment. Upon entering, the heat in the room almost made Zhao Lingjun faint. Just when he decided to leave his apartment to find a cooler place to cool down, his stomach once again felt pain similar to a knife being twisted in him.

Only after rushing to the toilet and explosively defecating, did Zhao Lingjun remember what happened earlier while still sitting on the toilet bowl. He remembered the bowl of beef ramen he had for dinner at a roadside stall on the way back from work. At the time, he thought that the beef ramen tasted a little weird, but assumed that the owner had launched a new flavour and brushed it off as such, and thus ate it happily.

For the next 10 minutes, Zhao Lingjun sat on the toilet bowl and expelled to the point of unconsciousness. When he had finally finished extricating his bowels with difficulty, he discovered a very serious problem.

The problem was that in his bathroom, there was no more toilet paper…

During his freshman year at university, Zhao Lingjun had already found many methods to deal with his current predicament. For example, shouting out loudly, “Who can lend me a sheet of newspaper?” or begging those who came to the toilet to do some fun things, “Can anyone pass me two pieces of toilet paper.” But he knew that in this situation, he could only employ two of those methods.

Zhao Lingjun’s first thought was to use the first of the two methods, which was more disgusting, but less costly. Additionally, it was cleaner and didn’t have poisonous side effects. Therefore, he first lifted the cover of the water tank, intending to scoop some water and wash his buttocks. However, when he looked inside, he almost fainted.

To make matters worse, not only was the tank empty, even the toilet bowl did not have much water. It turned out that today the neighbourhood not only had a blackout but incidentally even had their water supply cutoff. Zhao Lingjun had the habit of flushing the toilet before use, and flushed upon entering earlier.

After the failure of his first method, Zhao Lingjun turned to second method. This second method, was used many times by his dormitory roommate back in university. His roommate at the time, used 10 water coupons[3], to solve his current problem. However, Zhao Lingjun had already graduated for a year, and those cheap water coupons like crushes on girls from the business school had already faded away into oblivion.

Therefore when he took out his own wallet, Zhao Lingjun hoped that he could find some old receipts, and such. If it really couldn’t be helped, he would use those 1, and 5 yuan notes.

But when Zhao Lingjun pulled out his wallet and took a look; he, who has completed his higher education, thought of himself as a civilized man, couldn’t help but curse a sentence, “MLGBD.”

Normally his wallet would usually have some old receipts, some discount coupons and such; but today his wallet just so happened to not have those things.

However what made Zhao Lingjun the most frustrated, was that today, the smallest denomination of note in his wallet was a 50.

At times when a person has ran out of luck, it was akin to getting food stuck in your teeth just from drinking water. Zhao Lingjun used a 50 dollar note to wipe some dirty things, while mourning its loss.

“A day’s wage is gone, just from using the water closet.” Zhao Lingjun lamented.

When pulling his pants up and leaving the toilet, Zhao Lingjun wanted to take a knife and find the people in charge of the water and electricity companies. However at this moment, he suddenly heard a lot of people making noise; they seemed to be shouting his name.

“Zhao Lingjun… Zhao Lingjun… quickly come down.”

Once Zhao Lingjun stuck his head out to take a look, he realised that he wasn’t hallucinating due to his grief and excessive anger. The ground floor of his building had a lot of people shouting his name.

“What on earth is going on?” Zhao Lingjun worriedly went down while thinking, “It couldn’t be that they smelled something right? Knowing that I had just finished using the water closet, and didn’t have water to flush the toilet bowl right? Or is it because I didn’t have toilet paper, and I used a 50 dollar note to quickly wipe my butt?”

***

“Why are your movements so slow, it took you until now to come down.” A fat guy in a foul mood asked Zhao Lingjun.

“MLGBD, I walk how I wish to walk, whether it be fast or slow, who are you to decide.” Zhao Lingjun really wanted to first say this, then kick the fatso in front of him who looked like a dustbin. This fatty, when seen made others think he was a pile of fats, who wasn’t created properly, who had oil all over his body, who was a vulgar male like a disgusting char siu[4] which made Zhao Lingjun want kick him away.

However, Zhao Lingjun took a deep breath, and forced himself to face this guy who made him want to retch until who knows when. He let out a smile like the life-giving spring breeze and rain, used a voice which even gave himself goose bumps, and shouted out to the fat guy, “Manager Zhang”.

This guy, whom Zhao Lingjun referred to as Manager Zhang, was named Zhang Zhong. He lives up to his name, and was indeed very heavy[5], weighing at about 100 kg. Zhao Lingjun reckoned that Zhang Zhong could flatten him to death.

The reason why Zhao Lingjun did not dare to use one leg to send him flying was due to the fact that they were both working in the same company. Also, Zhang Zhong was even a whole three full ranks above him, and even had the company-wide nickname of “Boiler Worker”.[6]

Zhang Zhong’s position in the company was the manager of the human resource department. He held a lot of power in his hands, and was definitely not some slow burning boiler worker. The reason why he has this nickname was because he specialised in fanning flames and stirring shit.

Something as insubstantial and insignificant as a fart, when in the presence of the General Manager, he could exaggerate things till they seemed like the 9/11 event. Being late by just one minute, when spoken by him, would bring about a negative impact, akin to skipping work for a day.

In short, this fat guy was a person hated by everyone in the company, with many wanting to hang him. From the inception of the company till now, there were innumerable people which have had the idea of dragging him out and putting out his light cross their minds.

To tell the truth, the whole company knew that Zhang Zhong was a person who could only fan the flames and tattle. But until now, he is still living in the company just fine, and was even better off than others. Not only that, but of those who had offended him, none had a good ending.

There was one and only one reason for this, Zhang Zhong was coincidentally the younger brother of the CEO’s wife.

“What happened.” Zhao Lingjun made a great effort to not exude the slightest bit of distaste towards this guy.

“Something bad has happened.” A voice sounding like honey entered Zhao Lingjun’s ears. In this hot and stuffy weather, Zhao Lingjun felt that his whole body had honey flowing on it.

“My hole is blocked, poke at it a few times for me.” As before, it was still that voice which seemed like honey, and made people feel sticky all over.

If this voice was heard from a call center’s call that had been answered, there was a high possibility that a male who heard the voice would be long aroused, and was already preparing tissue paper. Zhao Lingjun believed that if it wasn’t for the current trend of face-to-face naked video chats, and that phone calls were no longer as popular, the sound of this voice would long cause the male to flush for half a day, causing the owner of the voice to become the call center’s famous celebrity.

But hearing this voice right now, Zhao Lingjun felt his mind go blank, and his soul could escape at any time.

Because the appearance of the owner of this voice, was something that Zhao Lingjun would never forget for life.

The surging heat coming from the cement coupled with this honey-like voice made the distracted Zhao Lingjun feel like he was back during last year’s July, on the day when he first heard this voice.


[1] MLGBD – 妈了个逼旳, read as Ma Le Ge Bi De, is a slang for Mother’s cunt, or Motherf*cker. ↩
[2] Wutong tree – Sycamore or Chinese parasol tree. Click here to find out more ↩
[3] Water Coupons – Think of them as small pieces of paper which can fit in a wallet. Apparently it is a obscure mainland slang which after asking around is still unknown. From googling it would either be a water theme park entrance ticket or a water ticket which would be exchanged for water in China. ↩
[4] Char siu – Red-coloured marinated roast pork. Click here to find out more ↩
[5] The fatty’s name is 张重, read as Zhang Zhong. Zhang is his surname (family name) and his given name is Zhong which means heavy. ↩
[6] Boiler Worker – Just like a boiler worker or furnace worker ceaselessly tending to a fire, he ceaselessly adds fire to situations and stirs shit. ↩


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  • Something as substantial and significant as a fart, when in the presence of the General Manager, he could exaggerate things till they seemed like the 9/11 event.

    Don’t you mean insubstantial & insignificant?

    • FallenS0ul

      Nice catch! Thanks for pointing it out. I definitely meant insubstantial.

      • Is MLGBD the same as I bought a watch last year?

  • The part where he wiped his arse with the 50 dollars was hilarious