FM Chapter 54

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The Awkwardness Escalates (2)

In the dorm, I calmly sat down and thought, if I thought about this positively, while examining the situation, Fang Yuke had made me study English well. Maybe he had done that so we could travel across the ocean , and rest and fly together[1]. But I kept failing to understand. Immigration was something that concerned my whole family. According to logic, he should give me freedom and let me and my immediate family talk it over. I wasn’t an item that could randomly be passed from person to person. Without even coming over to greet them, he actually expected me to migrate with his whole family.

Before that, wouldn’t we would both meet each other’s parents first? Unless right now there was still the  red clothed women, who acted like a tiny moth, still hanging around?! Thus, the possibility to migrate approached zero.

Just before I ate, I even especially put on some light makeup and a chiffon blouse I had stolen from Julie. I put on some white shorts, and then put on the high boots that I borrowed from Ah Tao. Looking in the mirror, I actually seemed a little feminine. Before one carried out a death sentence, he or she had to eat their fill and wear good clothes. Then, they would walk their last steps with dignity. Since today was our last dinner together, I would brightly and neatly walk to the end.

I still decided to eat at our usual place. I found a different place and chose a table far away from our usual table . In the past, I always shouted that I wanted to sit next to the window, selfishly hoping that everyone who saw me, would see Fang Yuke and I together. I would proclaim this in a high pitched voice, waiting for the people who were completely ignorant to take a good look. But Fang Yuke never liked sitting there. He would say it was too much like a zoo. It seemed as if people could climb in from the window to deliver food at any time. At that time, I liked to laugh at his unique thoughts. Thinking about it now, maybe he didn’t want news of our relationship to spread too far. So it would have ended like this sooner or later.

I was just too stupid and never understood its underlying meaning. Thinking about it, this meal was just a meeting to let him know we we were breaking up officially and how we would go our separate ways, I definitely could not cry or make an unreasonable scene. I had to leave myself a little self respect and take it out on my next life for being trampled on by misfortune. Being abandoned was very pitiful. Imploring the other person to offer comfort was even more wretched. With one sentence, I could persuade myself and manipulate my thoughts. I began to resolutely force it out of my mind. My ability to adapt and recover was really just as good as a dog’s. The moment Fang Yuke came in, he looked at the seat by the window. He looked at his watch and back at the window but he didn’t see me in the corner. I carefully sized him up. His expression was a little dispirited, almost as if he had experienced many things the past few days. His white shirt had many creases in it, not like his usual style. Maybe I looked at him  with too much energy, as Fang Yuke turned and managed to find me. He walked over, a little surprised and sat in front of me, appearing a little depressed.

I didn’t know what was wrong with my eyes. They suddenly felt a little moist. Seeing this clean person with clear facial features, whose face had once been messed around by me, only then did I realise that all the mental defenses I had constructed were completely useless. I had not even spoken when my heart had already been thrust into despair. It turned out that breaking up wasn’t something that was easy to say. It wasn’t something that could be packed up and thrown away according to a plan. Thus, it was good that he was leaving the country. It was only by avoiding his gaze that I could sit there unperturbed, pretending to stay strong. The two of us didn’t order a meal like we did in the past. It was probably because we understood that we did not come together to eat in the first place.

It was Fang Yuke who spoke first, “How come your phone was off two days ago?”

I replied, “I lost my phone card. I just replaced it.”

Fang Yuke looked at me suspiciously, “You didn’t lose your phone so how did you lose your phone card?”

This was indeed something very hard to explain. Common sense said that a phone and a phone card were as close to each other as a brother and a sister. If I were to explain this clearly, I would have to tell him everything that happened between Wang Yimo and Julie. This was already deviating from my main subject quite a bit. Thus, I decided to  cover this with one sentence.

I bit my lip, “This… any case it got lost. “

Fang Yuke stared at me, almost like he wanted to stab me, “You’re hiding something from me.”

I thought to myself, Actually you were still the one who hid more from me. Today, didn’t we get together to find out who hid more from the other person?

Fang Yuke sighed, “I know you’ve been annoyed with me recently. Forget it, in the future I won’t force you to read English. You can do whatever you want. You always never listen, so when I force you, I might as well force myself. Today I have something to speak to you about.”

I forcefully nodded my head. I didn’t know if he saw that I had nodded my head. When he said “something to speak to you about” I felt that my neck had gotten cervical spondylosis and would not move. It was extremely stiff.

Fang Yuke’s subject suddenly shifted, “Before I talk about this, I want to first ask you something. Yesterday, what was the situation with you and that online friend? Also, why are you wearing a skirt?  Are you going to meet your online friend again? How come you can’t fix your bad habit of being a love-struck fool?”

When he talked to me like that in the past, I would say, “I pledge my life to maintain my right to be a love-struck fool. I pledge my life to ensure the right to attract the gazes of all hot guys.”

But now, when he said those things, it seemed to pierce me like a needle. Afterall, I didn’t know that I would be the one to initiate the break up and that he could still criticize me. I thought that I had come here to accept his apology and then I would generously bless him and agree to break up, and we would be done.

I tightly clenched my hands into fists and tried to breathe. I lifted my head to look at him, “Isn’t it the trend in this world to change when we see something different? So, let’s break up. Didn’t I send you a text? I said that we should break up.”

Fang Yuke’s eyes suddenly became cold, enough to lower the temperatures in the fringes of winter to the freezing point.  I couldn’t help but mumble, “No matter what I do, it’s always my fault.” Fang Yuke pursed his lips, “Repeat what you said.” I didn’t dare to say it again. Fang Yuke’s current expression was like he was about to kill me.The instant I spoke about breaking up, it felt as if I was going to commit suicide but I had actually wanted to get murdered as a crime of passion. Unless he had to be the one to bring up breaking up? I really didn’t know that Fang Yuke was someone who could change so much.

I tried to pacify him, “Why don’t you be the one to bring it up? You can be the one to ask for a break up, okay? Is there any need to take offence?” Fang Yuke’s eyes went bloodshot. Glistening things in his eyes sparkled. His expression had gotten three times more scary than it previously was.

I was at a loss. What kind of play was this? I shone light over every single thing and all of its causes and effects [2], but I still couldn’t find out where I had gone wrong. I originally thought today, I would have to take on the supporting female lead role and do some melodramatic things, but how come I had become a female detective? Originally, this was a sad play, but how did it become a movie of suspense? I wasn’t familiar with the routine of a suspenseful movie. The tears that were initially in my eyes also evaporated in a flash from the shock. I blankly looked at him. Only now did I realize that even though Fang Yuke and I had been lovers for three months, I only knew of him as a handsome man with a poisonous tongue, but I didn’t know the true extent of his temper.

Fang Yuke finally spit out his words, “I only took it as you being crazy for a moment, but you are actually serious? Is it because of that guy, Wang Yimo, that you met that one time?”

I thought about it again and again. Weren’t we both aware of the root cause of the problem? Wasn’t breaking up something that you, Fang Yuke, wanted to accomplish? How did I end up being the one with the extramarital affair?

I innocently said, “It’s  not because of him. I know that some things have to be explained with fate. From the beginning, you have used me as a substitute for someone else that you admire. It was bound to happen sooner or later; many problems were bound to occur. It’s better just to get the pain over with rather than prolong the agony. According to books, love is like someone pulling a rubber band. The person who gets hurt will always be the one who is unwilling to let go. Just let go as to avoid you becoming more unwell later.”

Fang Yuke’s expression became malevolent. It seemed as if this conversation was not going the way he had planned. I thought that after I finished these words that put myself down, scattering salt all over my wound, he would also feel guilty and apologetically lower his head. This was really too strange. I planned to first return to my dorm and discuss  a countermeasure with my dorm mates. Obviously, I was the loser in this relationship. A loser who broke up to this extent. I would never have anticipated this even if I died. It is said that three ignorant cobblers add up to a genius [3]. I had to launch my collective wisdom and think of some new ideas. Therefore, I pondered for awhile, then I firmly said, “I am suddenly not hungry. I’ll go back first.” Only the heavens knew I hadn’t eaten anything for lunch or dinner. I was going to shrivel away and become as thin as a picture.

Right when I wanted to flee, Fang Yuke suddenly grabbed my hand and fiercely hugged me tight. I was a bit confused. Was this a break up hug? All the grievances in my heart slowly began to well up, turning into a few trails of hot tears. However, the extras beside us couldn’t stand our deep emotional embrace any longer, and they asked, “Classmate, is there anyone sitting here?” Just at that time, it was the peak hour for dinner. The two of us occupied a latrine but didn’t shit [4]. We took up a seat during the golden hour, standing here just hugging each other. It was indeed not very thoughtful. I pushed Fang Yuke aside, a little embarrassed as I faced them and said, “We’re leaving, leaving.”

The passerby angrily harped, “If you want to get intimate then go to Weiming Hu. Why did you come to the canteen to hug. You guys are crazy.”

Fang Yuke stood up from my embrace and tightly clinched the collar of this passerby, “Who did you say is crazy?”

I never expected that Fang Yuke actually had these violent tendencies. In the past when Wen Tao tried to provoke him, the two never fought. Now that he was going to England, so he didn’t love the citizens anymore, casually grabbing people to attack them. I immediately went over, prying apart his fingers, one by one. The pretty and slender fingers were extremely forceful. Even his fingernails had turned white. The passerby seemed like a civilized person, so he wasn’t used to a situation leading to blows. It was obvious that he hadn’t foreseen what a huge reaction his sentence would cause . He looked anxiously at me.

I pulled Fang Yuke out of the canteen and sighed, “When did you learn to beat people up?”

Fang Yuke looked at me with hidden bitterness, his eyes full of simmering violence, as well as a hint of mysteriousness. His good looking eyebrows had twisted together, and his eyelashes trembled as they looked at me. As if he had been wronged by me, as if I was the one who had found somebody else and had kicked him aside. I was a bit emotionally affected, wanting to touch his face. I lifted my hand halfway before realizing I had come to break up today. I could only seize the opportunity to put it on his hand and say, “Take care of yourself. I will bless you.”

When I finished, I turned my head and left, afraid to turn back. I was afraid that the moment I turned around, I would crazily run back and hug his thighs, never to let go. To tell you the truth, this old woman has actually taken a fancy to you. Could you not fling that vixen aside and not go leave the country?

[1] 双宿双飞: lit. to rest and fly together (idiom) / fig. to live in each other’s pockets / to be inseparable

[2] 前因后果: cause and effects (idiom); entire process of development

[3] 三个臭皮匠,赛过诸葛亮: lit. three ignorant cobblers add up to a genius (idiom); fig. collective wisdom / wisdom of the masses exceeds that of any individual

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