FM Chapter 53

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The Awkwardness Escalates

The  night passed without sleep. After thinking deeply and making a few speeches about the current  situation, I had still yet to reach a beautiful conclusion. On the second day, I had turned into a kind of national treasure, the  dark circles around my eyes looked like the effect of smoky makeup.

People were just like this. In the past when Fang Yuke called me to wake me up to study hard, I had raged in my heart. After that, I put all my rage and despair into tackling these textbooks. Now I scarcely realised that these textbooks had, because of my excessive actions, been soaked with unlimited drops of milk, soy milk and meat stock. The phone now was really quiet, as if the past few days were mere hallucinations.

After staring at my handphone for quite a while, I considered the fact that it was quite possible that it was unknown whether Fang Yuke had called me. It was better for me to head to the business centre to order my original phone card. My heart harboured these wishes and dreams, but when I had placed the phone sim card into its slot, there was not a single SMS. If it weren’t for the fact that there was an advertisement from the Police selling pepper spray, I would have thought that the phone was broken.

My heart had hit rock bottom, as did my stomach. Although this was a crisis, gorging myself in the canteen didn’t feel like it suited my despairing heart. However, I would only have the strength to think if I had food in my stomach so I should go get a tray and eat some food in the canteen.

I didn’t expect that while queuing in the canteen, the person standing  in front of me would be Xiao Xi. I remembered  how meeting him at that distant time, at that distant place, would get my heart thumping, rendering me incapable of speaking or making any eloquent speeches, only to sigh with incomparable regret when I’d left.

However, meeting him today, my heart was calm and stable, as if my my past love was something that had happened in a previous life. I was truly the model of a simple-minded woman who was fickle in love. If one were to count from then to now, it was about three months ago that I could just wrap Fang Yuke up in a bundle to throw him to the back of my mind.  Yet it was only somewhere in between that time that I had come to the me now with such conflicted emotions. Only recently did I manage to crush him into tiny pieces in my mind. If I said it this way, breaking up was not such a heart wrenching thing.

Meeting Xiao Xi, after counting for a bit, I realised that ever since that situation had concluded, I’d yet to meet up with him. According to reason, I should have thanked him in person. If it weren’t for him provoking Fang Yuke, I reckon that until now, Fang Yuke and I would not have progressed a single step. However, every time I mentioned to Fang Yuke about meeting Xiao Xi for a meal, Fang Yuke always said that Xiao Xi was too busy and was unable to find time to entertain us, as if Xiao Xi was some kind of prime minister.

Xiao Xi was also very surprised when he saw me, “Are you still busy recently?”

I waved my hands, “I’ve never been busy before. You also know that I’m someone who likes to waste my days away.”

Xiao Xi revealed his dimples that I hadn’t seen for a long time, “I knew that Fang Yuke has been lying to me. I’d previously wanted to invite you both out to a meal but he said you were extremely busy.”

Fang Yuke was really two-faced. Xiao Xi and I had a pure relationship…… The next time I saw him I would properly teach him a lesson.

Xiao Xi continued, “How have your discussions on migrating  been? The last time, Fang Yuke was really troubled over this. Have you come to any conclusion?”

“Migration?” I opened my eyes wide. It was unknown whether or not I would scare someone if I opened my smoky eyes any larger.

“Isn’t Yuke’s family going to migrate to England? He said that he wanted to discuss it with you right?” Xiao Xi looked at me questioningly.

The workers at the front of the canteen were impatiently urging us to order, so Xiao Xi wanted to turn around, but I viciously pulled him to stop.

“When did he tell you this information?”

“It’s been quite a few months. Didn’t he tell you? No way.” Xiao Xi looked at me with worry.

I was frozen to the spot, stumped for words. Millions and millions of things went through my mind: a few months ago, when Fang Yuke knew that his whole family was going to migrate, could it be that he was looking forward to going down the London river with that beauty, reciting those love notes that I could not understand; those that he had previously read to me? Could it be that in his heart he was a little bit guilty, so he used that high score of 95 to mock me? Even if he was willing to bring me to England, I would not necessarily be able to settle down well there. I would not annoy him by tagging along with him to England. I had self awareness. I was aware that with my standard of English, I would be hard pressed to enter even an ordinary university. Wouldn’t I continue to hug on Peking University’s thigh without letting go? Fang Yuke could have avoided going through so much effort. Concealing the fact that he was going to migrate for so many months was really not worth the trouble.

At the same time that I was lamenting, the projector in my head was coming up with so many different scenarios. One of them included that mysterious woman dress in the crimson flowy shirt with that skirt, with her glittering headdress, holding on to my husband while leisurely walking in the misty rain. In another moment, a Great Britain airplane flashed across my mind, leaving me, this solitary person alone in disarray. I clenched my fists and wanted to to point my middle finger into the sky, towards that airplane. However, I could only powerlessly bend over, turning into the shape of a giant question mark.

I smiled at Xiao Xi and said, “I suddenly remember that I’d already eaten lunch. Good bye!” After saying this, I made a mad dash towards the dorm to fall into a deep sleep.

My brain was only used to thinking about simple issues. When I had encountered this kind of complicated situation in the past, it had eventually collapsed with a loud crash. When thinking about all these logical problems, it had allowed me some margin to feel sorry for myself.

I felt cold, strangely cold. It was as if Xiao Xi’s words were like life-and death, stabbing straight into my heart.  I was unable to move a single step. I was completely enlightened. I had found out the truth of the matter but I had never expected that this would be the eventual outcome. Being two-timed was okay, being someone else’s shadow was okay, and at the very least one day I would be able to wear a hurt expression, accusing him in a righteous manner in order to make him confess his sins. However, Fang Yuke knew what kind of method would be able to pull out the grass from the roots. While helping me develop a fluency for English, the moment I was hopeless, he would be able to run back to his homeland one random day, without even leaving a single thread of suspicion.

He would, finally, meet me before he leaves to tell me, ‘Sorry, the one I love isn’t you. I was only fighting within myself to find someone who was completely different from her. However, I could not help myself but to turn you into someone like her. In the end, I realised that my heart only has room for her.’

After that, on the second day, by the time I had come up with a response and finally seen the light, he would have long since taken his luggage and stepped onto the plane.

And my feelings would be cast to the side in this way, like a palace eunuch.

I suddenly felt like I wanted to be like Wei Xiaobao. When he had been tied to the stool, Grandfather Hai could strain his throat to call out, ‘leave the chicken behind!”

It was that kind of friendship that would last forever- it was just a moment of misunderstanding.

I had guessed that this relationship would eventually end, however I could never have anticipated  the degree to which ending the relationship would hurt.

I took out my phone and punched in the familiar phone numbers. The song ‘I Don’t Know Why’ by Norah Jones played through the phone, as if mocking the me who was pestering him for sex that day. My tears were going to fall so I wanted to hang up.

However, at that moment, I heard Fang Yuke’s magnetic voice, “I’m busy at the moment, I’ll call you back in a little while.” After saying this, he hung up.

The teardrops finally clustered together, even for this, he was one step ahead of me. Even at this time, he was the one who could hang up faster than I did. I wanted to take advantage of the fact that he had not yet asked for the breakup, to be the one to turn around first so that I wouldn’t be that pitiful person.

I was unreconciled with this. I sent out a text message, “Fang Yuke, let’s break up. I’m tired.” After sending this message, I felt completely numb. However, a wise man submits to his circumstances. Right now, I had lost and had nothing left. I had to leave myself a bit of pride. If Fang Yuke was a man, he would take advantage of this situation. He wouldn’t be petty, wanting to be the one who brought up the matter of breaking up. In this kind of situation, the one who was allowed to take action should be the one who would get hurt, therefore it should be the grace of a gentleman to not blame me.

In the afternoon, I picked up a classic piece of romantic fiction and read through it extremely quickly. Within that piece of fiction, I believed that there was some semblance of truth. I had to take some preventative measures, because if I didn’t and was attacked in the night, I would give up all hope in the world, choosing to jump into the Wu Ming river- not drowning but just having my head stuck in the silt, suffocating to death. Feelings were of the utmost importance but one’s body was given by one’s parents. When my mind was clear, I would definitely not do anything that would let my parents down. Normally, you would see that I was quarreling with them all day, however, if they were ever to go crazy one day, choosing to marry me to a bald, crippled hoodlum, I would still be able to remain filial and follow that bald guy. However, if they were provoked by Fang Yuke to the point of fainting, that would not be good. People who committed suicide for the sake of love did not originally plan to do so , it was only that they had made that decision within 0.01 seconds. It was possible that 0.01seconds after jumping off, being blown by the wind, after regaining their senses, they began to regret their actions while in the air.

As a result, I had to mentally prepare myself, I definitely could not allow myself to crumble. If Fang Yuke did not want such an outstanding and wonderful woman like me, it was his loss. When he had grown old and could not pee properly, he would think about today and stamp his feet with a lifetime’s worth of regret.

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