UPX Chapter 45

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Chapter 45: The omnipotent Grandpa Ash Original and most updated translations are from volare. If read elsewhere, this chapter has been stolen. Please stop supporting theft.

On this early morning, Ning Xiaoyao and Big Boss Black basked in the warmth of the spring sun as they lay in Supreme Commander’s lap and by his feet, respectively, to take a nap.

Shadowgale had spent half the day searching through his rooms before asking Shadowthunder and the rest, “Where are the snacks that I brought back from the kitchens?”

Shadowthunder and the rest shook their heads. Their senior liked to eat sickeningly sweet things, but none of them were fond of that.

“Did those snacks grow legs and run off?” Shadowgale grew worried. Had any of the Xie father and daughter’s people snuck in? The gyrfalcon that had just landed by the window clapped his wings and flew away after he heard his owner shouting for his snacks. He already gave the Sweet Rice Crispies to Xiaoyao! The rest of them ended up in Erya and Xiaoqiu’s stomachs by noon. The little gyrfalcon circled around the palace gates once before telling Ning Xiaoyao that the Grand Preceptor had brought five or six doctors with him to the palace.

Ning Xiaoyao curled her lips. These had to be the doctors who were going to diagnose her as insane.

“Xiaoyao, does Supreme Commander have any ideas?” The gyrfalcon asked as he perched on her shoulder.

“Supreme Commander and I should probably each do our own thing,” Ning Xiaoyao sat bonelessly against the Wutong tree. “It’s fine as long as we have a common enemy, this is called ‘painting a picture with two brushes at the same time,’ hahaha.”

“Ninny.” Big Boss Black turned his body as he gnawed on a giant raw fish head, leaving his butt to face Ning Xiaoyao. This ninny was still laughing at a time like this. If they couldn’t find the Imperial Jade Seal, then it’d be her time to cry.

“I’ve thought it over,” Ning Xiaoyao said. “Even if the empress dowager takes out the Imperial Jade Seal when the time comes, I won’t be afraid of her.”

Big Boss Black quickly turned around in a circle to face Ning Xiaoyao again and cried, “Are you going to bite the empress dowager to death?”

“You shut your mouth,” Ning Xiaoyao rolled her eyes at Big Boss Black as she picked up a big rock. When she raised a hand to slap the rock, it turned into a pile of dust.

“Oh!” All of the little animals that were present sucked in a breath. Xiaoyao was so amazing!

“When the time comes, I’ll grab onto the empress dowager’s hand and slap the Imperial Jade Seal into nothing.” If Ning Xiaoyao had a tail, then it’d be sticking in the air by now. “Will the empress dowager have any other ideas without the imperial jade seal? I’ve asked Supreme Commander, and he said that seal’s made from jade. Is jade as hard as rock? Once it’s reduced to nothing, I’ll carve a new seal out of wood.”

If she couldn’t carve it out of a radish, then there shouldn’t be any problems with wood, right? Ning Xiaoyao had already made her calculations. Zombies weren’t breaking the laws when they bit people, while crazy people didn’t lose their lives after murdering another person. If she was already classified as insane, then why did she need to fear the empress dowager?

“Oh!” All of the little animals were cheering. Xiaoyao was amazing!

“It’s not good to form cults around one person, haha,” Ning Xiaoyao laughed. She was such a blockhead for worrying over something so simple.

“Idiot!”

In the midst of Ning Xiaoyao’s delight and the little animals’ cheer, a shrill, thin, yet incomparably awe-inspiring voice rose from the flower gardens. Everything fell silent. Ning Xiaoyao looked towards the direction of the sound and saw Oil Jar. Next to him was a very skinny old mouse with extremely long whiskers. Oil Jar signaled to Ning Xiaoyao with his eyes. Ancestral Grandfather is angry, hurry up and admit your wrongs!

Ning Xiaoyao glanced at Big Boss Block, who was actually lying prone on his stomach without making a move. Once again, she found this world unreal. This cat was an obedient as a grandson before that old mouse. Where did the hierarchy of the food chain go?

“Xiaoyao!” Oil Jar shouted. “This is my Ancestral Grandfather.”

Ning Xiaoyao stood up and patted off the bits of stray grass stuck to her butt. Grandpa Ash brought Oil Jar with him as he walked to Ning Xiaoyao. He cast a glance at Big Boss Black and said, “The whelp of Old Black’s family, move aside.”

With his tail between his legs, Big Boss Black walked away with Yellow Great Immortal.

Dang.

Even cats were afraid of this old mouse! Ning Xiaoyao hastily bowed towards Grandpa Ash and declared, “Grandpa Ash.”

Grandpa Ash said, “You want to slap the Imperial Jade Seal into nothingness?”

“Urk,” Ning Xiaoyao tried to read Grandpa Ash’s old mouse face, but she couldn’t find anything at all. (Author: You can’t even read human faces and you want to read a mouse? o(╯□╰)o )

“Utter nonsense!” Grandpa Ash said. “How can you be the emperor without an Imperial Jade Seal? Do you even know how many people have died for its sake? In order to get this Imperial Jade Seal, your grandfather’s grandfather killed his older brother, the emperor. On that day, the grounds of the entire Imperial Palace were covered in blood. Hundreds of crows in the neighborhood feasted for an entire month upon their corpses.”

“…..” said Ning Xiaoyao.

“…..” said Big Boss Black and the rest.

Why were they so ruthless?

“You want to completely destroy the Imperial Jade Seal?” Grandpa Ash raised his front paw to point at Ning Xiaoyao. Although Ning Xiaoyao didn’t understand how shocking it was to make a seal out of a different material, she still shook her head under the pressure of Grandpa Ash. How could one old mouse be so dignified and awe-inspiring?

“You won’t smash it?”

“I won’t smash it.”

“Ancestral Grandpa,” Oil Jar made a slight bow with his two front paws clasped together, “Just forgive Xiaoyao, will you? Xiaoyao’s a really good person.”

“Yeah,” Ning Xiaoyao said, “I’m a good person.”

Grandpa Ash said, “You sit down. Do I have to raise my head to talk to you?”

“Oh,” Ning Xiaoyao obediently sat down.

“I know where the Imperial Jade Seal is,” said Grandpa Ash.

As soon as Ning Xiaoyao sat down, she jumped back up. All of the little animals went  Σ(°△ °|︴, Grandpa Ash was omnipotent.

“Sit down to talk,” Grandpa Ash stomped the ground with his hind legs as he lectured. “You’re the emperor, the emperor!”

Ning Xiaoyao suddenly felt like she was facing Elder Li again and felt very vexed. “That there,” His Majesty Ning said as she sat down again, “Where’s the Imperial Jade Seal?”

“The empress dowager’s bed,” Grandpa Ash said.

Ning Xiaoyao wanted to mock her. Just how much did this woman love power? She hid the imperial jade seal in her own bed? Wouldn’t its hard edges rub against her when she slept? (Author: Is there any point for you to worry bout that?)

Grandpa Ash said, “Shadowgale and the rest went to search the empress dowager’s palace yesterday, but they didn’t overturn her bed. However, you can’t blame them, Xiaoyao. Men and women don’t mingle so casually, so it’s not good for them to look through a widow’s bed.”

Ning Xiaoyao laughed. “I get it. As long as Windy and the rest don’t climb onto the empress dowager’s bed, ha…”

The little gyrfalcon flew over to peck at Ning Xiaoyao and cried, “How could my master be interested in a widow like that empress dowager?”

“That’s right!” Wifey Magpie shouted from the trees. “She’s just a venomous widower!”

“Enough,” Grandpa Ash raised an imposing paw. “She’s still Xiaoyao’s own mother. We can’t curse Xiaoyao’s mother in front of her face.”

“…..” said Ning Xiaoyao. Were they sure that Elder Li hadn’t personally raised this mouse?

“Xiaoyao, then let’s take back the Imperial Jade Seal,” Big Boss Black said.

“Done,” Ning Xiaoyao turned to leave.

“Xiaoyao, do you know where your mother sleeps?” Grandpa Ash asked.

Ning Xiaoyao made a face: 囧 She really had no idea!

“Moreover,” Grandpa Ash added, “How can you enter your mother’s bedroom, now that you’re a son past seven years old?”

“Ah?” Ning Xiaoyao felt dizzy again. What kind of logic was this?

“Males and females don’t intermingle once they’re past their seventh birthday,” Grandpa Ash said. “What you have going on with Supreme Commander now is wrong.”

“Ancestral Grandfather,” Oil Jar clasped his paws together again, pleading for his revered ancestor to stop.

Grandpa Ash looked at the dull-faced Ning Xiaoyao before slowing exhaling a breath. “But since Supreme Commander’s a good man, I won’t say anything about it this time.”

“Th, thanks,” Ning Xiaoyao stuttered back.

“You’re the emperor, so you decide how to take the Imperial Jade Seal,” Grandpa Ash said. “The empress dowager is a venomous widow, so you must be careful.”

Ning Xiaoyao and the little animals fell silent again. Who was it that said just then not to curse her mother in her face?

“You owe me a favor,” Grandpa Ash was now settling his accounts, now that he’d said his piece.

“Mm, ah,” Ning Xiaoyao nodded. “Grandpa Ash, you decide.”

“A sack of peanuts,” Grandpa Ash said. Ning Xiaoyao had invited Oil Jar and the other little mice to eat peanuts, but not him. He liked eating peanuts too!

“Done,” Ning Xiaoyao agreed promptly. Trading a sack of peanuts for the Imperial Jade Seal wasn’t a loss at all. Now everyone was happy and satisfied.

“I’ll find the empress dowager to chat about life,” Ning Xiaoyao puffed out her chest as she delegated the tasks beneath the Wutong tree. “Black Tubby and little gyrfalcon will go hunt for the Imperial Jade Seal in the empress dowager’s bed.”

“My name is Big Boss Black!” Big Boss Black cried.

“Aritey, Black Tubby,” Ning Xiaoyao replied.

Big Boss Black: TOT~

“Will there be danger?” Yellow Great Immortal asked. “Aren’t there guards in the empress dowager’s bedroom?”

“No fear,” Ning Xiaoyao replied. “Once I make a ruckus with the empress dowager, all her people will gang up to beat me up. Then Black Tubby and little gyrfalcon can quickly make their move. Urk, Oil Jar, bring along a few brothers to keep watch, hah.”

“Okay,” Oil Jar nodded.

“You can curse her, but you can’t hit her,” Grandpa Ash reminded Ning Xiaoyao once more. “She’s your own mother!”

Ning Xiaoyao rolled her eyes. Own mother, his sister1!

“To the empress dowager’s palace!” It wasn’t clear who had declared the words, but all of the little animals flew, ran, or burrowed into the ground as they headed for the empress dowager’s place.

Grandpa Ash pointed a paw at Ning Xiaoyao. “Peanuts.”

“Yes,” Ning Xiaoyao immediately stood at attention. With his wish fulfilled, Grandpa Ash turned to leave. All that were left in the flower gardens was one human, one falcon, and a cat.

“So we’ll set off now?” Big Boss Black asked.

“Should we bring along Supreme Commander?” the gyrfalcon asked. For some reason, he couldn’t imagine anyone ganging up against Xiaoyao.

“Would it be bad if I bring Supreme Commander to a widower’s place?” Ning Xiaoyao asked.

Big Boss Black turned to shout at the gyrfalcon. “Do you want to ruin my Supreme Commander’s purity? Miaow!”

Ning Xiaoyao glared at Big Boss Black because enough was enough. Then she left the Imperial Palace with the cat around her shoulders and the gyrfalcon flying above her head, disappearing in a flash.

“What did you say?” Lou Zigui was sitting in his room, staring in disbelief at Shadowgale. “Where did His Majesty go?”

Shadowgale was anxious as well. “His Majesty went to the empress dowager’s palace. Supreme Commander, will the empress dowager harm His Majesty?”

Song Jin’s eyes were leaping in their sockets. “His Majesty will beat up the empress dowager instead, right?” It was really hard to guess who would hurt whom when those two were together.

Fang Tang was the type who had nothing to do and didn’t mind drama. Happily he asked, “Will His Majesty directly put the empress dowager to death instead?”

Kill one’s own mother?

Everyone’s conscience gave a jolt at the words. That really wouldn’t fly. Lou Zigui rose to his feet. “I’m going to the empress dowager’s palace,” he said.

Song Jin grabbed his Supreme Commander’s sleeve, his face looking like he’d seen a ghost. “You’re going to the empress dowager’s palace?” No matter how respectful the empress dowager was, she was still a widow. It’d be insane for an male outsider like him to go looking for her.

Meanwhile, the eunuchs behind the gates to the empress dowager’s palace had long peed their pants in terror. His Majesty had arrived!

Original Chapter Teaser:

 

Big Boss Black quickly turned around in a circle to face Ning Xiaoyao again and cried, “Are you going to bite the empress dowager to death?”


Ning Xiaoyao: I don’t have teeth like yours, how am I supposed to bite her?

Little Gyrfalcon: I heard the people bit Supreme Commander just fine at the execution grounds, though.
Big Boss Black: You shut your mouth! Don’t talk bad about my Supreme Commander!
Little Gyrfalcon: I didn’t talk bad about anyone! You’re the one who’s always calling Xiaoyao ‘ninny!’
Big Boss Black: That’s because she is a ninny!
Ning Xiaoyao: Oi, Black Tubby, didn’t you say you’d stop?!
Big Boss Black: Don’t call me Black Tubby! Mreoow!
Little Gyrfalcon: Aroo, aroo! You stop being a bully right now!
Ning Xiaoyao: Hey, hey! My snacks–don’t fight over my food!


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  1. his sister (他妹) – tamei, literally, “his little sister,” a way of cursing that uses names of female relatives. Other examples include his/her aunt, his/her mother, etc.