TGL Volume 2, Chapter 5 (4)

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The auction didn’t take very long. Mr. Shoe won because Grandpa Bear fainted after the waiter handed him the bill. I think a second heart devil was planted inside Grandpa Bear, but I’m not sure. I’m still not that familiar with this cultivation technique, and I have no intentions of using it. The first time was painful enough. In the end, Mr. Shoe bought all the swords and spears in the weapon shop that Durandal wanted to go to. Why spears? For Puppers, of course! I’m not so biased as to forget about my precious fluffy socks. He has to eat too. Mm, I’m a fair owner. You can ask Puppers; he’ll definitely agree if he doesn’t want to be beaten by me.

Not only did I receive a ton of weapons from Mr. Shoe, but he also gave me a bunch of rare and precious books, according to him. Too bad I can’t read. I was also promised the best treatment from the Shadow Devil Sect, and he told me that he notified the sect master about me when he went off with his elder token. I’m going to get a huge greeting befitting of a chosen! …Whatever that means; it’s hard to not sound excited when I already know the Shadow Devil Sect is super-duper rich. I mean, just look at the flying boat. According to Ilya, I can buy 100,000 barrels of hot chocolate with the amount of spirit stones it takes to operate the boat for a single day. …And that’s why we’re walking to the Shadow Devil Sect.

“That doesn’t look safe.”

Just kidding. Mr. Shoe’s trying to teach us how to fly on swords. And Ilya’s the first volunteer! People might not believe me when I say this…, but squirrels can’t fly. We’re not birds. This is completely unnatural. I can jump really far and really high, but fleas can do that too. But fleas are named fleas and not flies because flies are the bugs that can fly. Why aren’t fleas named jumps? Huh, how weird. Anyways, what was I thinking about? Right! Flying swords. Why’s Ilya crouching over the sword instead of flying on it?

Mr. Shoe was clearly confused too. “Junior Ilya? What are you doing?”

“I’m analyzing the energy lines inside of the sword and comparing them to a magical array. They’re extremely similar. If I copy this design for my boots, then I’m sure they’ll work even in the presence of predators. I think I can do it.” Ilya took out a pair of boots and grabbed the sword. Then she stepped off to the side, ignoring us all.

“…You have a strange servant,” Mr. Shoe said to me. Ilya’s not a servant. She’s an encyclopedia. And friend. Yeah, friend first. A handy encyclopedic friend. But if she’s a friend first, then she’d be a handy friendly encyclopedia, no? Ah…, I need to carve out a focus bone. Good thing I stored all these bones from those meals we had! Did you know fish are extremely easy to strip of their bones? It’s difficult to carve on them because they’re so small, but all I have to do is squint really hard to see clearer!

Mr. Shoe cleared his throat. “Is that a dead fish?”

I’m pretty sure it’s dead…? Don’t tell me the fish on the Immortal Continent are immortals too! “Is it!? How do I check!?”

“Uh…, sorry. I think there’s been a miscommunication.”

“Miscommunication, my ass! Tell me if it’s dead or not!” What if its flesh is squirming around my stomach!? All those things I ate could be competing with each other! Surely, the smallest morsel of food will consume slightly larger morsels as it becomes bigger itself, then it’ll eat even the largest thing inside and end up eating me in the end too! This is a disaster!

“It’s dead! Junior Lucia, it’s dead! Please, please, please, watch your language.” Mr. Shoe’s face was bright red.

Language? Did I say something bad? “…Ass?”

Mr. Shoe’s face turned even redder. If any more blood rushed to his face, it’d start leaking out of his pores. Why are people so bloody in the Immortal Continent? Coughing out blood when I state facts about their small penises, vomiting out blood when they see a restaurant bill, blood flooding their faces when they hear the word ass. Jeez. “Junior Lucia…. People won’t view you in a good light if you act in such a crude manner.”

“…The penis goes into the v—”

Mr. Shoe brought his hand to his mouth and coughed extremely loudly, cutting off my words. Blood trickled through his fingers and down the back of his hand. “F-forget I said anything.”

This kind of reaction…. “Say, Mr. Shoe, are you a virgin by any chance?”

More blood leaked out of Mr. Shoe’s mouth as he flinched. A familiar feeling welled up in my chest. This was … the overwhelming pleasure from sadism! Just kidding, I’m not a sadist. It was actually the feeling of me planting a heart devil in someone. The two feelings are very similar though. …Not that I would know! Ah, I feel a little bad now. His disciple died and a stranger, me, learned his secret technique and used it on him. I’ll comfort him with words—Ilya says I’m good with words as long as I keep them to myself. But good things are meant to be shared! “Don’t worry too much about it, Mr. Shoe! I’ll find you a nice woman around your age, so you two can settle down. How old are you? Two hundred?”

“I’m only ninety-eight!” Mr. Shoe shouted as he took a step back, clutching his chest. “I, I already have a woman that I love!”

“But…?” There’s a but somewhere in there. You don’t love someone for ninety-eight years and not do anything about it!

Mr. Shoe sighed and lowered his head. “But she’s married.”

“Oh.” Well…. “Have you tried making her husband disappear?”

Mr. Shoe’s eyes widened to the size of saucers. “W-what kind of person do you think I am!?”

Hah…. This is why I don’t like giving advice to people. They don’t even know what kind of person they themselves are; how am I supposed to help them if they don’t want to perform introspection to help themselves? He’s hopeless.

“Please don’t look at me with those eyes.”

Did I just plant another heart devil?

“A-alright!” Mr. Shoe shouted as he whirled around. “We’re taking the flying boat! I’ll shoulder all the costs!”

For the rest of the journey to the Shadow Devil Sect, Mr. Shoe never left his room. But I’ve been in that room before and I can confirm that there’s no bathroom in there. Maybe he poops in an interspacial ring. Either way, I’m not sure if I can view him the same way as I have been before today. Then again, I never really viewed him in a positive light anyway. Oh wells. Shadow Devil Sect, here I come! …I’m definitely going to have to figure out a way to rename it something less ominous.


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