Chapter 13: A Secret Love Fizzles Out
I’ll drink with you. This way, it won’t be wasted.
That was the first time I ever entered a bar. After I entered the bar, I found that a bottle of beer cost 20 bucks? This was equivalent to the money I needed for a day’s worth of food. I firmly gave up on that place called Corona, and went to go find my Tsingdao beer.
Thus, after I walked around Sanlitun trying to find a convenience store, I finally went towards a certain street side and found a 7-11. Hugging all my money together, 5 cans of Tsinghua didn’t even amount up to 15 dollars. I began to be happy and satisfied.
This place in Sanlitun was great, where their noisy places were really very loud and their quiet places were like an uninhabited region. I sat on a recliner in the Luhua district and opened my beer and began to drink it.
I knew very well what my alcohol limit was. Drinking a few bottles of beer wouldn’t be a problem. For mulled rice wine, I could only drink one or two, while for white wine, one sip and I would fall. From the way I went to buy my beer, I realised that my desire to get drunk was not that firm. I was very realistic as I thought that if I got drunk, I would have to spend the entire night on the recliner. Right now, it was winter. Even though the wine could warm me, I still wouldn’t be able to persevere for an entire night night. Plus, I was very skeptical about the quality of Beijing’s public security.
I planned to be be a typical middle class for a moment, commemorate what I should commemorate and then go home.
But as I was drinking around my third can, my head suddenly began to become dizzy. Perhaps it was because I hadn’t drunk like this in a while, so my capacity for liquor began to deviate from my usual standards. Sure enough, this capacity for liquor was like my exam results, unpredictable. This time, it was very below par.
As I was hesitating and wondering whether or not I should open the fourth can, I heard a cell phone ring. I saw that it was the Cold Faced Killer’s name. WIthout saying anything further, I declined the call. This night, I wanted to set aside my time for Xiao Xi. From tomorrow onwards, I planned not to think of him anymore. A manly man makes a decision when it’s time to decide**.
Lin Lin means that she considers herself to be someone strong who won’t think of this anymore.
However, Fang Yuke called me unrelentlessly, as if he was asking for my life. I decided I might as well shut my phone off, but I still had a little bit of an uneasy conscience. Today, I had cursed their mental states, so I was afraid that I had provoked this rascal and made him worried. At the worst, I would just have to apologize again. I picked up the phone.
An anxious sound came: “Where are you?”
I laughed mischievously. The midnight broadcaster had transmitted his voice. It was a pity that I had not met with an extramarital affair, otherwise I would say everything on my mind. I faintly said, “Fang Yuke, I have already apologized to you. Do not be like this. I have literally bended down to you. It is sincere and enough in giving you face. You haven’t finished?”
Fang Yuke asked anxiously: “Where are you?”
I laughed: “Are you a recorder? In the evening, you can only say “You apologize”, at night, you can only say “Where are you”
Fang Yuke finally wasn’t a recorder: “I’ll go find you. Where are you?”
I shook my head, not caring if he couldn’t see it: “In fact, I don’t know where I am. I am only thinking of a person for a moment. After a moment, I’ll return.”
Fang Yuke cautiously and solemnly asked: “Today at the supermarket, when it was your turn to pay the bill, I only saw that you were buying beer. Did anything happen?”
I drank a sip of beer: “Nothing much happened. I’m just a little thirsty, so I bought a little beer to drink…… I didn’t think that the more I drank, the more bitter it would become. If I’d known, I would have bought Minute Maid Orange Juice instead…….”
“You’re still drinking now?” I could hear some concern in Fang Yuke’s voice.
I suddenly wanted to cry, and I began to hope that someone would hug me and say “Don’t be afraid” just like this afternoon. “Yep, there are still a few cans…… if I don’t drink them they’ll go to waste. After I finish drinking, I’ll go home……”
Fang Yuke’s warm audio channel said, “I’ll come and accompany you and drink some. This way, it won’t be wasted. The faster we finish drinking, the sooner we can get back to school. Tell me where you are right now, what marks or buildings are beside you?”
I looked all around me, and told him: “I’m at the portion of Sanlitun. A symbol or building is 7-11……”
When I got to my last can, I thought of calling him, telling him not to come anymore. But his phone was continuously busy. I could only go to 7-11 to buy more cans to prevent him from scolding me, “Idiot” when he came.
When there were beer cans underneath my feet, I saw that Fang Yuke’s figure had appeared. He wore a dark grey lassy overcoat. The button had already been opened, exposing a flimsy shirt underneath. His hair was a little messy. There were even big beads of sweat on his face. He didn’t look like his usual clean self.
I was a little anxious and frightened. I didn’t know if he would get angry if he saw me.
He sat down on a recliner next to me. He opened a can of beer himself, and cursed: “F**k, I’m so thirsty. I also need to quench my thirst.”
I heard this “F**k” and felt he was exceptionally familiar in this moment. I patted his shoulder: “Why did you come so late? I’ve already drank up to my second round.”
Fang Yuke took out a napkin from his overcoat, and took off his glasses and began to wipe his face: “There are so many 7-11’s, how do I know which one you’re at? I called all my friends to ask about their nearby 7-11’s.”
I laughed mischievously: “You didn’t need to be that anxious. Didn’t I leave a few cans for you? But, Fang Yuke, don’t wear glasses anymore. When you don’t wear glasses, I feel like you look a lot like Won Bin.”
Fang Yuke was thrown off for a moment. He drank a mouthful of beer and said, “Ok, I’ll listen to you. I can wear contacts in the future.”
I laughed, satisfied: “Why are you so cooperative? Do you feel that the matter in the evening was excessive? Is there anyone like you who pays more attention to a lover than friends? I know you have to save face in front of your girlfriend, but it isn’t necessary to be so overbearing, right? You scolded me ‘Idiot’ many times, and I’m not someone great who can just let people step all over me without grudges. I’m neither open minded nor generous.
Fang Yuke lowered his head and drank alcohol to drown his sorrows: “My temper hasn’t been great recently. It has nothing to do with her.”
I laughed: “You’re still protecting her?”
Fang Yuke ignored me. After thinking for awhile, he said, “Recently, haven’t you been developing with Xiao Xi very well? The past two days, I saw that you two were still eating lunch with him at the plantation together so sweetly. When you see me, you always curse me as a nutjob.”
When I heard Xiao Xi’s name, my head was about to stop spinning. I thought, confusedly: “Xiao Xi has a girlfriend right? You obviously knew, but you never told me.”
Fang Yuke scolded me: “How was I supposed to tell you if you’d never asked? You never learn the proper things, but you learn the bad ways immediately. Even things like buying alcohol? This really shows your future prospects!”
I was a little angry; “I don’t have any prospects. It’s very well to talk, but getting things done is another matter. You got into Peking Uni so easily, and the person you like looks only at you, you have prospects. The unfortunate one is me. I originally came to Peking University because of a mistake. With great difficulty, I found the person I liked, but he doesn’t like me. Everyday I wondered why he knitted his brows, and why he smiled. Today when I saw Xiao Xi’s gaze when he looked at someone else, pampering her and indulging her, my heart got pierced by a knife. Do you know? My first love hadn’t even begun but it already ended like this….. So can’t I drink some alcohol after my love fizzled out and emotions left?”
Fang Yuke didn’t speak, except that his eyes were slightly blurry.
I began to cry loudly, as if my heart had finally found a place to vent my feelings. I inverted my wrongs in my old mind: “I also understand that feelings cannot be forced. Therefore, I had cautiously maintained the relationship between me and him. I was afraid that my confession would scare him. In this way, I didn’t even get a chance to speak to him. I saw that he was with his girlfriend, and I pretended I didn’t see anything. I even pretended I was not hurt. I even despicably thought that Xiao Xi was with another girl for other reasons, and not because of love. That way, I would still have a chance to slowly approach him……do you understand……”
Fang Yuke said, “I understand everything, I understand the way you look at him, I understand your excitement, I understand your disappointment. I understand what it feels like when the person you like doesn’t like you back. I also understand what your final struggle was like. But Zhou Lin Lin, if you feel he is important enough, important enough that he can become the pursuit of your life, then you must persevere; if you feel you can accept losing him, then from tomorrow, forget him.”
The things in my stomach surged very powerfully. I could hear Fang Yuke’s every word but my head was like paste. It was already too difficult to think of every word and link them together to understand what they meant. Fang Yuke’s figure had already turned into two or three figures, only his pair of inky pupils remained clear and distinct. I wanted to lift my hand and comfort his eyes. Thus, I staggered and swayed and stood up, throwing myself on him. My head landed on his shoulder. I trembled as I spoke what I had wanted to say from long ago: “I need to puke.”